We're apin' rapin' takin', catharsis

"I think I kind of retroactively got freaked out by settling into something. It's really cool if you're the kind of person that can handle things like relationships that replicate marriages that go on and you build homes and you get things and you accumulate stuff, and it's like that's our toaster oven and those are your chairs and that's my table. And I don't know but I've had things like that since I was 16, and it's really scary how you slip into these things and they become your security, and you don't really realize how much that defines you until you want to do something with your life, you want to travel, you go out in a fucking van every 2 days you have the chance, and it effects your relationship and it's really scary sometimes to think it has to be one or the other. And you start wondering, fuck, am I ever gonna be able to handle that? - or am I always gonna be afraid of things for the fear of losing them - and am I always gonna set myself up to lose, to pull the ground up from my feet before someone else can?"

- Chris Colohan

I'm tied down as fuck, lease, job, washing machine, couch, but what do I have to show for it? I never see anybody and I wake up every day lonlier than the day before. A lot of choices I've made have proven not to be worth it. I don't miss freedom, it's just think that life without it isn't worth it without someone to really share it with.

To paraphrase, I got swindled by an image that seemed so real, I could almost taste it.

April 1st. 2005 I am no longer tied down, we'll see what happens.

If you didn't know this already about me, straightedge is the absolute most important thing in my life. I've never had a stable family, or a constant group of friends, it has been the only constant in my life for as long as anything has mattered. Above all, straightedge has been there for me every single day, and I will always be true.

I have huge trust issues with drugs and alcohol. At the end of the day, if you drink or use drugs, I do not and will not ever trust you. If you are a friend, this doesn't mean that I won't always have your back; if I call you a friend you can bet I will spill my blood to help you out, but I will never ever rely on you to help me. These days, if you're straightedge, you learn to look after yourself, because you can't trust anyone else to be there when you need them.

My beliefs are based entirely on experience, and that's my business not yours.

And this fucking hurts, because someone I love, who I thought was above this, has betrayed a trust that will never be regained.

I fucking hate alcohol; it's worse than any drug because it lets you hurt other people without killing you nearly as quickly as anything else would, and its still entirely accepted as a fucking norm of behavior in our society. I will never be like you, and I will never accept your choices. I won't apologize for these beliefs because if you had seen half the things I have, you'd agree with me. Experience is all that matters.

I made a promise to myself to stop letting people who make these choices this close into my life. I have broken a promise to myself, and like all broken promises, only those to whom the promises were made pay the price in blood, sweat, and tears.

The thing about living on your own is that you get to do anything you want, and there isn’t anyone to tell you not to.

Granted, this includes dying of malnutrition, but I believe all things considered, the pros far outweigh the cons.

Lately I’ve been starting to wonder about masturbation. As a necessary amendment, I should point out that while this may seem intrinsically linked to my first statement, living on your own is merely a convenience to this activity, not the predicator context of a compulsive behavior. Anyways, I read once an article where a urologist suggested that the human penis had an approximate lifecycle of ‘1000’ uses; I really hope this is an extreme low-balling of male potential.

That was a terrible pun.

Masturbation, you know, that thing we all do but pretend we don’t because we’re all pathetic sexual cowards, I really hope 1000 uses total before the old ‘member, I don’t know, falls off or whatever happens when you bust your sexual odometer, isn’t a realistic figure, because if it is, I’m wasted the vast...entire majority of my trips around the block. It’s not my choice, but frankly, my life has changed a lot over the last 6 years and the only recognizable feature throughout has been crippling sexual frustration. Love conquers all? Nope - love just rubs it in.

The other thing I’ve been wondering about a lot lately is what exactly, are you supposed to feel, the day you’re sticking up posters in your room when it suddenly hits you (ok maybe not everyone is putting up posters when they realize this but stay with me) that you are one of ‘those guys’ you always looked up to? I live in an amazing place in a cool part of town, no parents/family in my life, tattoos, band, employment, money, friends, moderate coolness in the scene of my choice, cute girlfriend (ahhh…now would be the time to start considering predicator contexts), what the fuck. How did I get here? Last time I checked I was still a dumb little kid looking up to these guys, and holy fuck I am one.

Nothing makes you feel lost quite as much as realizing that suddenly you are everything you ever wanted to be, because then you realize that you don’t know where you’re going, because you don’t know what you even want anymore; all you know is that everything you spent years chasing after – it wasn’t enough.